Historically, at the end of every school year, I am a total mess. A blubbering, whimpering mess. I know it's because time moves so quickly, and the kids are growing so fast, but it's also because the end of the school year is an immense, emotional release — a year-long sigh in the making. The weight of the brainstorming and the problem solving and the encouraging and the supporting and the listening and the analyzing and the wondering and the talking and the thinking and the re-thinking suddenly lifts (for a little while) and, for me, is released through tears.
In the final moments of the last day of school, all of the students gather in the front of the school and count down from ten at the very top of their lungs. Then the real cheering begins and the graduating sixth-graders run through the crowd, slapping hands with all of the younger students. Every year I cry during this part. And if some of the sixth-grade girls cry, too, I basically disintegrate into a pool of water on the floor.
I was a little worried about my state of mind this year because for the first time, I was going to watch my own sixth-grader run through the crowd. Uh-oh, I thought. This is going to be ugly. I am never going to be able to show my face here again. But as the crowd got bigger and the sound level got higher and Perry gripped my arm a little tighter in anticipation, I realized I was fine. I was totally fine. I was not crying. I watched my sixth-grader run through the crowd and I didn't shed a tear. I smiled and cheered, too, and was simply excited for her. Yes, I got a little teary saying goodbye to the teachers (I'm not made of steel after all) but I stayed in tact. All systems go.
Later that day I realized that I didn't cry during the sixth-grade celebration, either. Not even during the video montage of the pictures of the kids as babies. I didn't cry watching the boys fidget it their suits and ties. I didn't cry when I took their very last picture as a class. And I didn't cry when I realized that the three of us were biking home from school together for the last time. What is wrong with me? I thought. Have I lost all feeling?
And then I got it.
I am in total denial.
100% complete denial.
It's a beautiful thing and I can't believe I never thought of it before. I think I'll be using it for as long as I can.
